Oh…one more thing

6. Many Christians are actually Deists. I’ll explain later.

To summarise…

I have to go to work soon, so here are the edited highlights of everything I’ve intended to blog over the last few days:

1. I might change the template for my blog. I’m bored of the green look.

2. Maybe Freud was right: whenever I ask some guys what they’d like in their ideal girlfriend/wife, they invariably describe their mothers, but with sex thrown in. E.g. “someone who’ll look after me, who’ll get me out of bed in a morning, someone who can cook and clean and someone who is really hot.” This is really worrying and decidedly Oedipal.

Then ask the same guys want they think they should be like to be a good husband, and they have absolutely no idea at all lol.

3. This week I began to feel broody. Pete, I told you to shoot me if I ever said that I wanted to have kids before I was 25, so I may hold you to it. That said, I am beginning to get a bit fed up of being single and cooking for one all the time.

4. I spent two days away from home this week. During this time, my house somehow descended back into the pre-clean up anarchy of days gone by. The kitchen stinks of vom (?!), flies were living on the undone washing-up, and the once clean and lemon-smelling bath look as though a moulting bear with dysentry has been in there for a good long soak. Suffice to say I was a little miffed and have spent my half-day off work cleaning up again.

5. Autumn is wet, windy, cold and misty. Not happy, not happy at all. Unfortunately, my attitude to life is completely dependent on the weather. Maybe I shouldn’t have moved to Manchester.

Being a man. *beats chest and growls*

A friend of mine bought me a book recently called ‘Wild At Heart’ by John Eldredge about the problems and challenges facing Christian men as far as their masculine identity goes. It’s actually rather good, and when I’ve finished it I’ll write some more on here about it.

It did make me think deeply about what it might actually mean to be a man in the 21st century. I’ve taken up chopping wood, bear-wrestling and drunken brawling but am still none the wiser as to what defines your masculinity when you live in the middle of a city and work in a restaurant. I might start spending the weekends wandering the woods in my mammoth-hair loincloth (chafing) and making flint arrow-heads to kill the evil Saxons who have kidnapped my beautiful wife before charging in with a massive axe, killing everyone and then riding off into the sunset with my newly-liberated and very hot wife.

It’s worrying how my thought-life has abolished all distinctions between actual reality and war-like daydreams, but that’s cool.

But what defines a man? It’s a serious question. There must be more to being male than being emotionally dysfunctional, moody, non-communicative and always getting a bad back.

The lunatics are taking over the internet

I came across the website for the Christian Defense League earlier on today. I was going to spoof it, but then upon further reading I decided that it just wouldn’t be possible, because these people are actually stupid enough that their website almost spoofs itself. Highlights include:

“we believe that the enemies of Christ the world around have united to destroy Christian civilization” Yes, yes they have. In the world in your head. Since when was America a Christian civilisation anyway?

“The invasion of states rights, the breakdown of the system of private enterprise, the imposition of burdensome taxes, and the growth of a top-heavy bureaucracy brings us ever closer to American Fascism.” And the best way to oppose American Facism is by…er…being fascist?

“We are aware, however, that political machines, corrupted by Jewish money, are now able to manipulate Negro and Jewish minorities to the point of controlling elections.” Ah yes, how stupid of us not to realise this. Just don’t tell any of the 7,000 black minority voters whose votes were ignored in Florida in 2000 that they were to blame for the last Presidential election result. Do blame the Republican Supreme Court for controlling the election result however.

The Christian Defense League stands for the upholding of the Divinely inspired written Christian Constitution of the United Sovereign States of America. Divinely inspired? Possibly. Inspired by Payne and Rousseau? Highly likely.

I just have nothing else to say on the matter, except for this: Christians who are anti-semitic (hmm…) have yet to deal effectively with the problem that Jesus, the object of their faith and their saviour, is er…jewish. Born a Jew, lived in Israel his whole life as an observant Jew, was crucified as the ‘King of the Jews’ and gave the task of spreading the Gospel to his twelve Jewish disciples. In addition, the entire Bible was written by Jews, almost entirely about Jews and their experiences of God. But don’t let that spoil your Nazi party.

Cowardly Oxfam leadership beg for mercy

News from the front – 30th September 2004

There were scenes of jubilation and celbration earlier today as the war-weary citizens of World of Sven began to anticipate a victorious end to the conflict. Oxfamian Ambassador, Graham Draisey, e-mailed the following plea for mercy to President Sven earlier on today:

Hi Steven,

I’m open to offers but remember that we are selling for Oxfam!
I’ll take a sensible offer post free!
Best wishes and good luck?

Graham

Oxfam Books

President Sven addressed his people in a live press conference this lunchtime: “Ha! Finally they are cracking under the pressure and have begun to see that the only way to avoid a humiliating defeat is to begin negotiations over the price of the extortionate book. Little do they know that I have in fact managed to get a copy of it from elsewhere, but this will not prevent me from burning down their houses and flicking the ears of their shamed leader when I parade him through the streets.”

Sven’s college librarian, Don Maciver, managed to locate a copy of the book for free, thus turning away the wrath of Sven from Oxfam – for now at least. However, whinging pro-peace weaklings clashed with the Svenist ‘Give War A Chance’ movement outside President Sven’s imperial palace yesterday. Leading anti-Svenist Angela Gimp (green-tea drinking earth worshipper, 37) accused President Sven of ending the war “only because he has run out of jokes for this stupid ongoing mini-series”, and that pre-war estimates as to the comic sustainability of writing about a fictional war on a charity were “grossly exagerated”. “We feel as though we can no longer trust President Sven over the reasons he gave for going to war,” she complained.”We thought war would be funny.” Angela Gimp has since disappeared and her family have been liquidated, along with her collection of hand-carved African ornaments that she bought from the New Internationalist Christmas catalogue. President Sven has warned Amnesty International to “keep their big poncy noses out”, or face a similar fate.

World of Sven on the Road

Tonight I am staying on Pete’s floor. This is partly because Pete lives on campus and I have an 8.45am lecture tomorrow which means the possibility of getting up at 8.44am rather than 7.00am if I was staying at home.

I have also been studying all day and so am totally worn out and decidedly uncreative, so rather lazily, here are my reflections on the day so far:

1. I feel like a kind of theological rebel, and although this may be a good thing (a la Martin Luther) it more likely means that I am wrong about my dissertation thesis. I hate when you come up with a good idea and then read a book that trashes it, or at least in part.

2. Jonny, Peter Singer is an atheist, and is bold enough to take it to its logical conclusion – at least in theory. He dismisses Christian ideas about the innate worth of a human being because he/she is loved by God and is in relationship to others, but he argues for a return to ancient Greek thought, where the value of a person is defined by their function or role, and whenever they lose this role, they no longer have worth and should be killed.

He actually argues in one of his ethics books that infanticide is legitimate up until a baby is a month old because it has no self-awareness and no role – it is a thing. Totally hostile to Christian thought, where a baby has worth not because it performs a function, but because it is relationship with its mother, father, siblings and of course God. It receives its identity and worth as it also gives identity and worth via relationship.

Easy to see why Singer caused riots in Germany when he lectured there, and how the disabled and mentally ill might not be too keen on him. He has similar views on euthanasia (the seriously ill are of no use, and thus of no value) – or he did until his own mother got Alzheimer’s Disease. He was challenged that if he actually believed what he taught, he should kill his mum. He backed down and refuses to discuss it, but it would be the logical conclusion of his ethics to kill her, but he won’t.

People who follow Stringeresque atheistic ethics should go and visit Auschwitz or Belsen to see where they lead.

And that’s why he was on my bad list

3. Pete’s room is really hot and smells of man.

4. Pete has drunk far too many sugary drinks and was giggling and being hyper like a child but is now coming down off his additive trip and is lying on his bed going ‘hmm?’ and being all waking-coma-ish. Lol.

5. Time for bed, but coming soon to World of Sven:

*More band news for ‘Antithetic Boomerang’ – this evening’s official name for my band.

*War on Oxfam re-enters diplomatic negotiations. However, Sven has massive plans up both his sleeves, making him look really buffed and cunning.

*More theology that no one really gets anyway.

Stay classy, World of Sven readers.

War on Oxfam: Day 5

The latest from Channel Five news:

Hello and welcome to Channel Five news. Today’s headlines:

*Boobies!

*Dog ‘wins Crufts’

*Politics is boring

*First moves towards peace in Oxfam-Sven war

*Many celebrities are gay. Wow.

*Viewers are strongly advised to verify the actual truthfulness of Channel 5 News by switching over to Channel 4 immediately following the end of this broadcast.

Today’s new song

My band, who as yet are still without a name, have written a new song. It is called ‘Pete’s Blog’, and will be played at about 200bpm and as loud as is possible within the current laws of physics.

‘Pete’s Blog’

ONETWOTHREEFOURRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Blog blog blog
Pete fix your blog
You mother

(growl) GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOWWWWW

I used to read your blog every day
but since you fiddled with the HTML
It doesn’t work anymore
no, no, no

Flog your blog
With a log
And make it work
To ease the pain

(3-hour guitar solo)

Blog blog blog
Pete fix your blog
You mother

THE END

I love you really Pete, just don’t forget all we went through in the Nam.

On the subject of band names, I have a few possible names in the pipeline. They are:

1. Chemical Toilet
2. Fungal Children
3. Sven and the Stormtroopers
4. Iron Bloodaxe
5. Ultimaxarama

Losing the will to blog

Don’t worry, not really.

It’s 1am on Monday morning and I can’t believe it’s taken almost 2 hours to type up my blogs this evening.

I’m so exhausted. Time to sleep.

Pat’s FAQ

Blessings be upon you,

Many thanks to those of you who continue to e-mail me with your questions. This week I received one of those long circular e-mails that go around, and in order to save answering all the many questions that you ask about me, I’ve decided to answer the e-mail here in full.

Pat

1. What time did you get up this morning? 2am, because I have a very weak bladder. I also got up this morning at 3am, 4.15am and 5am.

2. Diamonds or pearls? The Bible teaches us not to ‘cast our pearls before swine’, so definitely diamonds. In heaven, even the poor people will be made of diamonds. I am an idiot and make no sense.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Left Behind: The Movie

4. What is your favourite TV show? The Waltons. I used to like ‘Little House on the Prarie’, but it got a little too racy in the final season.

5. What did you have for breakfast? Some revival soy pancakes and some of my age-defying shake. I find age-defying drinks help me get through my day of belief-defying lunacy. Gah! (Burps)

6. What is your middle name? My full name is Pat Joshua Jehoshophat-Saddam Jebeneezer Bush Robertson.

7. What is your favourite cuisine? Fasting.

8. What food’s do you dislike? Anything imported from abroad, especially all this ‘fair-trade’ rubbish. ‘Fair trade is not free-trade’ as the Bible says (somewhere in the Apocrypha, near the back somewhere in a footnote, probably).

9. What is your favourite crisp flavour? Age-defying Guacamole and Benzin Sulphate flavour.

10. Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi. Coke gives you nosebleeds and is nothing but a tool designed to harness the minds of America’s youth to the Babylonian drug-wagon of destruction.

If there is anything you would like to ask Pat you can e-mail him at World of Sven by clicking here.