The General Election is fast approaching, even though it hasn’t even been announced yet, which is rather odd. I don’t intend to blog on and on and on about politics, as there are already enough political blogs out there and I don’t want this to become one. In fact, despite doing Politics for A-level and at University, I’m not all that interested generally speaking. Adrian highlights the opportunism of Tory leader Michael Howard after he declared today that he was going to deal with the problem of travellers (formerly known as gypsies) and things that cause them (heritage?), alongside his plan to hurl asylum seekers back into the sea and build a massive wall around the coast, presumably with the help of slave labour.
Right-wing nutjob newspaper the Daily Mail continues to sound the Tory trumpet, and is opposed on a daily basis by the people at Mailwatch. Here’s some Daily Mail headlines I just made up:
Howard ‘to cull travellers’
by Josephine Goebbels
Tory leader Michael Howard launched a full-scale panic attack on Romany Travellers at a press conference yesterday. Disgusted at the way war hero graves had been dug up to make way for the filthy inbred carnival-folk, Michael Howard pledged to ‘exterminate every last one of them, or at least as many as it will take to sway opinion and cause panic in marginal Tory seats.’
You’re my wife now Dave.
The Gypsy menace is well documented. Thousands of travellers have probably trained at secret Gypsy training camps in the mountains, where they master such skills as stealing, thieving, robbing and dumping prams in National Parks. MI6 estimates that there are up to 500000000 travellers hidden in sleeper caravans all over the UK, although an MI6 spokesrobot said that “the number may be twice as many, or maybe only ten. We have no idea really.”
As part of his plan to crush Britain underfoot and erase trillions of years of tradition by replacing England with parts of France and Germany, Tony ‘Stalin and Hitler’s love-son’ Blair has let travellers spread their filth all over England and has actually bribed them with taxpayers’ money to tip their waste over pensioners’ garden fences, but he now faces a stiff challenge from a resurgent Tory party, who have now almost returned to the levels of support they had at the 1997 election (Sven notes – true fact).
Mr Howard pledged to be “tough on travellers, and tough on the causes of travellers”, though he refused to be drawn into discussion after it was suggested that being tough on the causes of travel could lead to the abolition of the wheel, an idea hailed as ‘a remarkable step forward’ by Shadow Transport Minister Duncan Nobody.
Labour ‘may cause rabies in children’
by General Franco
Thousands of easily-panicked parents demanded an inquiry yesterday after it emerged that Labour health secretary Dennis Gorbachev had coughed without putting his hands over his mouth. British Union of Mothers’ spokesfishwife Janet Harsh urged the United Nations to intervene in the matter: “We simply cannot allow members of the government to cough willy-nilly, especially without covering their mouths. What if he has rabies? What if he is secretly carrying the plague on behalf of Al-Qaeda and plans to infect the entire nation? It just goes to show that we cannot trust the government any longer. Our children’s lives are at stake.” The World Health Organisation refused to jump on the health-scare non-bandwagon, saying that Ms Harsh’s complaints “belonged in the loony bin” and that “hopefully she would die very soon.”
Gingers complain over ‘racist abuse’ by Howard
by David Heathcott-Mumble
Tory superhero and potential future Presidential mascot Michael Howard flew into a storm of controversy yesterday after he was heard to remark that ginger-haired people were ‘Shire-dwelling mutants’. Bastion of left-wing filthlies The Guardian ran an article claiming it had been handed an internal Tory party memo that planned to “outlaw the consumption of cheesy wotsits by pregnant women, sterilise Mick Hucknall, and impose a hefty tax on ginger biscuits in a move to bring an end to the production of ginger children by the year 2015.” Mr Howard denied the claims, and proceeded to eat a carrot in front of waiting journalists to show everyone that he is a really nice man who should definitely be Prime Minister.
Ginger activist Charles Kennedy slammed Mr Howard and accused him of “narrow-minded gingerism” and through tears whined that “ginners have feelings too you know” before running off to his mum.
Television preview: Charles to marry Camilla (all channels, 3pm)
by Angela Baboon
There are many things that make us proud to be English. The Battle of Agincourt, The Spanish Armada, The Battle of Britain, the National Front, Tea, Cricket, Old ladies, Jim Davidson and William Hague to name but a few. There are of course fewer more quintessentially English things than a Royal Wedding. However, in an adulterous age where the aristocracy are unable to control the misuse of their wedding tackle (continued pages 70-956)